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anachronie [userpic]

Loser Feelings

October 27th, 2014 (02:11 am)



Ok, that was unexpected.
After some time without meetings in my local comm, a group called "victorian picnic" organized a meet-up with a gothic dresscode. The idea seemed nice, I wanted to dress up, and since I was promoted (?) to mod in our local group, I felt the need to go.
There I went, four petticoats for my gothic lolita and a parasol under the sun. Two buses later, I had to go by walking.
I'VE NEVER SEEN MY CITY ACT SO HARSHLY TOWARDS ME.
People screaming and laughing on the streets, asking if it was going to rain, calling me a witch and staring.
But ok, I moved on, kept walking and got to the place we were going to meet.


The hours took long to pass.


I felt like a terrible loser there. I felt like I had the obligation to talk, but at the same time, I didn't want to interact with those people I was feeling uneasy with. I think the place was a bad choice - A TERRIBLE CHOICE, I think most people just dressed up with whatever they had and that was it. I think we have too much improvisation and too little planning. I think we're kinda trying too hard but we keep looking terrible.
Honestly, the best dressed person was one of the guys - the one who's been quite a while in the same scene as me, with his dandy jackets and coats and jabots and all. He's really caring and interested in the fashion, but he's even shyer than me, and we talked really little.
I spend all the time I could with one of the girls (that is usually in our lolita meet-ups but wasn't wearing loli this time), showing her the place around, and talking with the guy who brought a violin (I'm REALLY sorry, he can't be called a "violinist" yet). I avoided talking with other people as much as I could, and when I talked - with another lolita, only - it was all about meetups, planning, our scene, etc.

I was feeling terrible for BEING AROUND PEOPLE, terrible for being dressed in such a dumb, lazy way (I spend only about one hour dressing up - I didn't do anything with my hair, I wore pretty much no makeup at all). I didn't allow anyone to take full-body pictures of me, or pics of me alone. I ended up realizing that I hate having pictures taken.
Both my sister and my boyfriend called me, each inviting me to do something different, but I messed up the conversations, mixed english with portuguese with german, sounded dumb, got the wrong bus just to get rid of the person I had by my side and ended up home, crying. I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to disappear.

My boyfriend thankfully took good care of me, giving me some food and icecream (I felt sick and dizzy and hot during the meet-up/picnic and didn't drink or eat anything) and watching some animation to lighten up my humour. Things were so much better later. It's just a pity that I couldn't do to him as much good as he does for me.

Anyway, about the Loser Feelings:
I explained my feels to my sister and she said that "well, one day you'd go for this conclusion. It IS a loser thing, but we love you, we wouldn't say that to you... you'd have to find this by yourself".
My dad was more practical and advised me to sell the stuff and save the money for traveling the world.
I still think I like the clothes, I feel pretty when I dress up for work with them, with a more light-hearted feeling, as a true form of myself. I just don't like HAVING to go to meetings, trying hard to make up to other people's expectations, HAVING to impress people, comparisons, the PRESSURE to talk to other folks just because we're dressed in black and/or there's poof under our skirts.

I wanna dress freely, feel pretty and enjoy the things I buy with my hard work, and not comparing myself to others or being exposed to environments that make me feel sick and sad. I don't wanna feel like a loser.


Comments

Posted by: aka rika (carol_sakuma)
Posted at: October 31st, 2014 04:58 pm (UTC)

:( lolita na verdade é all about fazer as pessoas se sentirem exatamente o oposto que você se sentiu nesse dia. talvez as outras achem "loser", mas quem está usando deveria se sentir muito valente de enfrentar o mundo e dizer "eu sou assim, me sinto bem assim, fodam-se seus preconceitos, conformismo, monotonia e seus uniformes". mas quando a gente não está confiante/certa de como estamos projetando (ou não projetando at all, né) isso, qualquer coisa atravessa e atinge. é mais fácil um prédio que já está está abalado desmoronar... *analogia tosca de brinde*

acho que o bottom line é: fazer apenas o que te fizer bem. lolita não é uma obrigação, não tem que existir cobranças externas nem internas. parte das suas preocupações é o motivo deu não usar mais lolita se tiver que pegar ônibus, ir só em meetings fechados (com pessoas que eu curto), usar em casa. tou pouco me lixando se isso não é o que a maioria faz. é o melhor pra mim e isso é o que importa. então continuo usando às vezes, mas do meu jeito.

Posted by: anachronie (anachronie)
Posted at: November 10th, 2014 03:20 am (UTC)

tive vontade de desenhar o que você escreveu.

Eu criei um pouco de coragem e fui no meeting da semana seguinte, casualmente era fechado (só lolitas e no salão de festas de uma das meninas) 90% de gente que eu conhecia, e fui de carro.
Não sei se foi coincidência com o outfit que eu gostava mais todos esses fatores, mas foi uma experiência maravilhosa.
Eu não quero me sentir loser assim, nunca mais, e nunca de lolita. Depois disso já usei pra ir pro trabalho umas duas vezes e as coisas estão de boa, nesse sentido. Acho que eu só precisava fortalecer meu escudo. Tua analogia não foi tosca AT ALL <3

Obrigada pelo carinho, Rika ♥

Posted by: aka rika (carol_sakuma)
Posted at: November 14th, 2014 04:29 pm (UTC)

fique à vontade. 8D queria ter paciência pra desenho hoje, porque a imagem que fica passando pela minha cabeça é aquele tipo de coisa meio tumblr, uma lolita com cabelos e roupas esvoaçantes e pose heróica no alto da colina, um parasol fechado pra representar a espada e outro aberto de escudo, e embaixo aquele mar de pessoinhas pequenas e iguais. 6y09j6yj

mas aew, já fico mais aliviada que você conseguiu forças pra ir em outro meeting e a experiência foi muito melhor! :DD acho que lolita pode ser tanto algo destrutivamente negativo, ou tão positivo quanto ma terapia. mas isso só vai depender de como a gente e as pessoas em volta levarem mesmo.

<333

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